"I don't love you, I always will"

"Poison & Wine"

The Civil Wars

"I don't love you, I always will"

What a poignant lyric. Please listen to this wee number as you read the following...

When I listen to this song it takes me back to 2010. I was in a place where I was hurting. I was lonely. My heart was breaking. It felt like some people were speaking the line, "I don't love you" to me, and some were speaking, "I always will". Others, I believe the majority, were speaking both at once. "I don't love you, I always will". People were, and may still be, in a state of confusion. They do love me. They do care. They also want to remain faithful to what they believe the word of God says; so it may feel like they are saying, "I don't love you", but I don't believe they are. To some, my story is a dichotomy. A young woman who loves her God, the Church, and who is gay. 

This line also describes the internal struggle I was going through. Part of my being wanted to cry out to the church, "I don't love you", but this was never true. I wanted it because I believed my life could be easier without it. However, just like my sexual orientation was not a choice, I do not believe my faith, and my love for the church, is a choice either. On some levels it may be. But...I am telling you, I tried to push against it. My faith is at the core of who I am. God is at the core of who I am, our Triune God; Creator, Christ and Holy Ghost. I am no saint, but thanks be to God that Triune God will never leave us, never forsake us, and never stop loving us. 

It is looking like the life of Ashley McFaul will not be a simple one. God is calling me, and has been for many years, to serve my Creator, the Church, and the world to the best of my ability, with God's help. And I need God's help. I need God's help to embody the love of Christ. I can't, and won't, do it alone, and I never have. 

Tonight, I am thankful for threads that have been woven between my life and many others across the world. You are all part of my story, and I am part of yours. 

From my grandparents, to all I met at UUJ, to the children in Sandy Row, to my Sunday School teachers in First Larne, to the children in Romania. 

From my fellow PCI year team members, to my past and present ministers/pastors, to my parents; from my past and present friends, to those I served with on PCI summer teams.

From my wee brother, to the families in Mexico, to the people I met at the till in Iceland (store, not the country); to the students at Stratford High School.

From my colleagues in every job I have had, to my new church family in Trinity, to the youth group of First Larne, and to my fellow YAV's. 

All these people, and more, have shaped me. 

To those I have hurt, please forgive me. 

To the people who have challenged me, thank you.

To those who have loved me, thank you.

I am excited to be in this journey of faith.

PCI, I will always love you. 

PC(USA) I love you, and I am thankful to be a part of you. 

But, more than that I love the Body of Christ.

SOURCE OF HOPE,
WHOSE WORD BEGAN AND SUSTAINS ALL LIFE,
WE CONFESS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
WHEN WE HAVE NOT LIVED
AS THOSE WHO HAVE HEARD THE VOICE OF GOD.

SHAPER OF HOPE,
IN WHOSE LIVING AND LOVING, GOD’S INTENTION WAS REALISED,
WE CONFESS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
WHEN WE HAVE NOT LIVED
AS THOSE WHO KNOW THE LOVE OF GOD.

INSPIRER OF HOPE,
WHOSE CHALLENGE AND CALL ARE INSISTENT AND STRONG,
WE CONFESS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
WHEN WE HAVE NOT LIVED
AS THOSE WHO HAVE FELT THE TOUCH OF GOD.

TRIUNE GOD,
WE OFFER OURSELVES AFRESH TO YOU:
INSPIRE, ENLARGE AND ENERGISE US
THAT NOW, AND ALWAYS,
OUR LIVES MAY SERVE
AS A SIGN OF YOURS

Pat Bennett