"Let there be peace on earth..."

"Let there be peace on earth,

and let it begin with me."

Over recent weeks those of us in Northern Ireland have been reminded yet again of the divisions in our country. For anyone reading this who is not aware of the current situation, please refer to the following link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-20651163

Throughout the Advent/Christmas season we see many images of "peace" on Christmas cards, in our homes, and we sing about "peace" in carols. I do not remember a time in Northern Ireland where we have experienced rioting so close to Christmas. Timing may be the reason this current situation is so poignant.

There is no doubt in my mind that the violence should be, and has been, condemned. However, if all we do is condemn violence and not examine the way in which we may contribute to our divided society, then we have problem. It is too easy to point fingers at the individuals throwing petrol bombs, or injuring police officers. We can say comfortably, "isn't that terrible" and then go back to our day to day lives. Our lives, which in Northern Ireland are often lived separately. 

These words of Jesus have echoed in my heart over the past few weeks; 

"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7v5). 

Each of us in Northern Ireland has been influenced by the sectarianism around us, to deny this could be our greatest mistake. We all have to stare those prejudices, we have inherited, straight in the face. We must ask difficult questions of ourselves, "how have I contributed to the situation in Northern Ireland?", "who is my 'other side' and who is my neighbour?" Removing that plank will be uncomfortable, for very valid reasons. We will need an abundance of grace to continue to walk together through the years ahead.

This Christmas may we all get on our knees, ask to be forgiven of our sectarianism, and pray the words, "let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me".

"But our citizenship is in heaven..." Philippians 3 v 20

Over this past week in Northern Ireland the centenary of the Ulster Covenant has been celebrated. The Ulster Covenant opposed Home Rule from Dublin in 1912 "by any means". As a Presbyterian from North East Antrim there is no doubt that my ancestors signed this document. On further research I discovered the signature of my great grandfather, James McFaul. As I looked at the faded signature of a man I have never met, tears streamed down my face. Why? I'm not sure, but something I do know is that I cannot deny that the Ulster Covenant is part of my story.

My great grandfather's signature is second.

Being from Northern Ireland has always been an interesting place to sit in terms of identity and nationality. After all, am I British, Irish, Northern Irish or an Ulster woman? All of these labels carry different connotations and stereotypes. Maybe the simple answer is to look at my passport, but yet again I can hold two passports, one Irish and one British. So, who am I?

I am female from Northern Ireland who has a deep love for Irish traditional music, who grew up in the Irish Presbyterian tradition and who is now a member of the Presbyterian Church (USA). I am a gay woman who at eight years old had her Union Jack signed by Ian Paisley, and then headed to Irish dancing lessons the next week. I am a direct ancestor of (at least) one who signed the Ulster Covenant, but yet I did not join in with the celebrations last Saturday.

First and foremost I will always be a part of God's Kingdom. No flag; red, white and blue; green, white and gold; with stars and stripes; should come before being a citizen of God's Kingdom. A Kingdom full of love, grace, hope and peace. A place where, "there is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3 v 28)


Take a listen to this song by David Thomson written from the perspective of his great grandfather who also signed the Ulster Covenant.

http://www.fitzroy.org.uk/Media/Player.aspx?media_id=95354&file_id=104803

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

It has been a while since I have listened to a band like Casting Crowns, but this evening I was going through my computer and found a video that I made with a youth group about five years ago using one of their songs.

In the video the song plays in the background and each person comes into church wearing a mask. 

This mask is to symbolise how we have a tendency to hide certain parts of ourselves within the church. Slowly, but surely, each one comes to realise they do not require to wear this mask in God's presence. 

They take the mask off, and come to the front of the church and kneel. 

It was a powerful piece of symbolic drama. 

Take a listen to the song below.

Now the irony here is that I preached that morning wearing the biggest mask of all. 

Terrified to take it off.

Terrified to let people see the real Ashley McFaul.

I stood in that pulpit, knowing that my secret would disqualify me, in the eyes of many, from preaching the Gospel of Christ. 

I wish I could find the text of that sermon, but I know I urged my church community to create an atmosphere where people felt safe to peek out from behind those masks. To let others in. To be a church where we could be authentic in our relationships with one another. 

Looking back, I was pleading with the church to allow me to pull down my mask. 

I was pleading to these people who had nurtured and love me, to continue to do so.

As a young, gay woman I was longing for a safe place in the church. 

I was crying out from the pulpit for help. 

A silent scream for freedom. 

Who else is screaming for freedom, for our grace? 

You're or Your?

"You're sinners",
"You're deviants",
"You're confused",
"You're unnatural",
Is this it?
No.

We are;
Your sons,
Your daughters,
Your baptised,
Your confirmed,
Your communicants,
Your shepherds,
Your sheep.

Yours.
We are yours,
and you're ours.

I'm home, to the land that flows with sheep and rain.

I have been putting the inevitable 'My YAV year is over/Goodbye Nashville/Hello Larne' post for the past few weeks. Partly because you all know this year has come to an end from personal interactions, Facebook, and if anyone was in the Nashville airport on August 6th...Jeff Moles' tears also would have indicated my departure.

In many ways my last week in Nashville was just as I had expected it.
It was filled with many of the best things from this year...
hugs,
fried chicken,
laughter,
sweet tea,
tears,
hot dogs,
prayers,
and beer.

Now, it is possible that 11 days later I am looking back through rose-tinted glasses, there were also things I did not enjoy...
the goodbyes,
the packing,
the long trip home,
and the change.

Life in Nashville was good, I had settled into my community.
The thing is 'Larne life' is also good.

Don't get me wrong it is not that I am depressed now that I have returned home, far from it.
Take a look at the picture above, I hope I will no longer take for granted the beauty of the land around me. Not only is my homeland beautiful, I have friends in this wee town who have been with me through everything. Really, they are some of the best, actually they probably are the best.
I am even part of an elite group known as 'Superfriends', you know who you are.

Saying all this, transition is still difficult.

What have I learnt this year?

I could list many things...but below is my rambling on what may have been my biggest lesson this year.
One I will need to be reminded of continually.

I will be the first to admit to my many imperfections and mistakes. However, throughout my year as a YAV, I found myself challenged, not to ignore my imperfections, but not to focus on them (something I struggle with). Maybe it is what some call 'religious guilt', but I am the kind of person who struggles to forgive themself, even when others have. I beat myself up mentally, won't let myself forget, all the while letting this guilt take over the person I have been created to be; a child of God. No matter what mistakes I make, this identity can, and will, never be taken away from me, or any of us.

So my YAV year taught me this...

to get over myself, 

stop feeling guilty,

 and embrace my identity 

as a child of God. 

This was not my only lesson, but right now it is most significant.

"I don't love you, I always will"

"Poison & Wine"

The Civil Wars

"I don't love you, I always will"

What a poignant lyric. Please listen to this wee number as you read the following...

When I listen to this song it takes me back to 2010. I was in a place where I was hurting. I was lonely. My heart was breaking. It felt like some people were speaking the line, "I don't love you" to me, and some were speaking, "I always will". Others, I believe the majority, were speaking both at once. "I don't love you, I always will". People were, and may still be, in a state of confusion. They do love me. They do care. They also want to remain faithful to what they believe the word of God says; so it may feel like they are saying, "I don't love you", but I don't believe they are. To some, my story is a dichotomy. A young woman who loves her God, the Church, and who is gay. 

This line also describes the internal struggle I was going through. Part of my being wanted to cry out to the church, "I don't love you", but this was never true. I wanted it because I believed my life could be easier without it. However, just like my sexual orientation was not a choice, I do not believe my faith, and my love for the church, is a choice either. On some levels it may be. But...I am telling you, I tried to push against it. My faith is at the core of who I am. God is at the core of who I am, our Triune God; Creator, Christ and Holy Ghost. I am no saint, but thanks be to God that Triune God will never leave us, never forsake us, and never stop loving us. 

It is looking like the life of Ashley McFaul will not be a simple one. God is calling me, and has been for many years, to serve my Creator, the Church, and the world to the best of my ability, with God's help. And I need God's help. I need God's help to embody the love of Christ. I can't, and won't, do it alone, and I never have. 

Tonight, I am thankful for threads that have been woven between my life and many others across the world. You are all part of my story, and I am part of yours. 

From my grandparents, to all I met at UUJ, to the children in Sandy Row, to my Sunday School teachers in First Larne, to the children in Romania. 

From my fellow PCI year team members, to my past and present ministers/pastors, to my parents; from my past and present friends, to those I served with on PCI summer teams.

From my wee brother, to the families in Mexico, to the people I met at the till in Iceland (store, not the country); to the students at Stratford High School.

From my colleagues in every job I have had, to my new church family in Trinity, to the youth group of First Larne, and to my fellow YAV's. 

All these people, and more, have shaped me. 

To those I have hurt, please forgive me. 

To the people who have challenged me, thank you.

To those who have loved me, thank you.

I am excited to be in this journey of faith.

PCI, I will always love you. 

PC(USA) I love you, and I am thankful to be a part of you. 

But, more than that I love the Body of Christ.

SOURCE OF HOPE,
WHOSE WORD BEGAN AND SUSTAINS ALL LIFE,
WE CONFESS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
WHEN WE HAVE NOT LIVED
AS THOSE WHO HAVE HEARD THE VOICE OF GOD.

SHAPER OF HOPE,
IN WHOSE LIVING AND LOVING, GOD’S INTENTION WAS REALISED,
WE CONFESS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
WHEN WE HAVE NOT LIVED
AS THOSE WHO KNOW THE LOVE OF GOD.

INSPIRER OF HOPE,
WHOSE CHALLENGE AND CALL ARE INSISTENT AND STRONG,
WE CONFESS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
WHEN WE HAVE NOT LIVED
AS THOSE WHO HAVE FELT THE TOUCH OF GOD.

TRIUNE GOD,
WE OFFER OURSELVES AFRESH TO YOU:
INSPIRE, ENLARGE AND ENERGISE US
THAT NOW, AND ALWAYS,
OUR LIVES MAY SERVE
AS A SIGN OF YOURS

Pat Bennett

God beyond borders

Home, sweet home.

In three weeks I should be fast asleep in my wee bed in Larne, Northern Ireland.

Right now, this thought brings a sense of excitement and grief. I love my home, my family and my friends. However, I will be leaving behind another home, family and friends in Nashville.

It seems to early to write a blog on goodbyes, so that will have to wait. For now, I want to share this poem by Kathy Galloway.

This is my prayer tonight. I'll blog soon.

Ashley

God beyond borders

we bless you for strange places

and different dreams

for the demands and diversity

of a wider world

for the distance

that lets us look back and re-evaluate

for new ground

where the broken stems can take root,

grow and blossom.

We bless you

for the friendship of strangers

the richness of other cultures

and the painful gift of freedom

Blessed are you,

God beyond borders.

But if we have overlooked

the exiles in our midst

heightened their exclusion

by our indifference

given our permission

for a climate of fear

and tolerated a culture of violence

Have mercy on us,

God who takes side with justice,

confront our prejudice

stretch our narrowness

sift out our laws and our lives

with the penetrating insight

of your spirit

until generosity is our only measure.

Kathy Galloway

Wrestling, not WWE.

The week beginning May 13th was my busiest this year. Our seniors that we had worked with all year would graduate on Saturday, May 19th and we were throwing a party in their honour on Thursday evening. This resulted in many late nights for my supervisor and me, as we put together the 'Senior Banquet'. Thursday evening turned out to be a great success and a time where the spirit of the student of Stratford High School shone through for all to see.

In the video above you will have seen Elisha break down, but when her classmates surround her she is able to continue. This is the spirit I have seen in these young people all year. I believe God was in that moment. To continue to comment on this event would not do it justice, I believe that moment speaks for itself.

Awes & Iqra, two of my biggest inspirations this year

The students I have worked with have inspired me, challenged me and caused me to question my faith like never before. I have many positive relationships with students in this senior class, and some of my strongest relationships are with my Muslim students. These are the individuals who have caused me to ask the most questions.



I grew up with a very blinkered understanding of God, and until this year the only ‘people of faith’ I knew, belonged to the Christian faith. I have been part of groups who prayed for the souls of Muslims to be saved. Now I look back and cringe.



Who am I to tell them their beliefs are wrong? These students are some of the most loving and compassionate young people I have worked with. Indeed, one won ‘The most compassionate student in the Class of 2012’.




Working with people of different faiths has sent me into a wrestling match with my faith, ultimately with God. It is causing me to go back to the gospel and reread it with a fresh perspective. I still have many questions regarding how all our faiths intertwine and what we can learn from each other. Bring on the world religion class in seminary!



Wrestling with my theology and faith is where I am right now. My faith is not gone, there are times I kick against it and each time I come back to the love and grace of Jesus. He’s got me. I am captivated by Jesus. Thanks be to God I am not alone in this journey.

The power of cinema...

Over the past few days I have watched two movies which have both set my mind thinking about ‘The Troubles’ in Northern Ireland, and conflict/reconciliation on a broader scale. The two movies I watched were ‘The Iron Lady’ and ‘Hunger’.

Most people will know that ‘The Iron Lady’ features Meryl Streep playing an elderly Margaret Thatcher who is looking back over her life, while being plagued by dementia. I was not alive during Margaret Thatcher’s time as Prime Minister, however her legacy has certainly lived on. From what I have read, and the many conversations I have had about her policies, I do not think I would have been in agreement with Margaret Thatcher during her time as Prime Minister.

‘Hunger’ follows the story of Bobby Sands, an Irish Republican hunger striker who died in 1981 after 66 days on hunger strike. These movies are inter-related as Margaret Thatcher was PM during this turbulent time of Northern Irish history. As someone born in the late 80's into a Northern Irish Protestant family, it is unlikely that Bobby Sands and I would have seen eye to eye on many issues.

Watching both of these movies stirred up many emotions for me. Even though I did not live through this most turbulent time of our history, the events of ‘The Troubles’ have impacted my life, along with the lives of everyone who has lived in Northern Ireland, whether we realise it or not.

These movies forced me to look at both Margaret Thatcher and Bobby Sands in a new light, as human beings. Margaret Thatcher is a mother, a wife and someone who, I presume, believed she was doing right thing. Bobby Sands was a son, a friend and someone who also, I presume, believed he was doing the right thing. These movies, respectively, lead you into a relationship with the main characters. A challenging place.


If I had been alive in the early 80’s Bobby Sands and Margaret Thatcher both would have been my neighbour. Both are children of God. Would I have loved them? I need to ask myself this question continuously. 

My faith calls me to love my enemies and not to judge others. I know I do not always live out this call, but, with God's help, I will continue to try.

My first college road trip & Christmas in a home away from home...

It is a fact: I love Christmas!

In recent years, what I have grown to love the most about Christmas is being able to spend intentional time with family and friends. The lead up to Christmas 2011 filled me with mixed feelings. Never before had I spent a Christmas away from my family. Even though I have not experienced intense homesickness this year so far I was worried it would come at Christmas! Thankfully, the week before Christmas was a busy one for me, which included travelling through five different states; Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina and South Carolina.

College Road Trip with Stratford Students! 


As most of you know, my YAV placement this year is with the Martha O'Bryan Center at Stratford High School. The majority of my time is spent assisting students with college applications. From 19th - 22nd December we took 40 students on a College tour to Memphis, TN, Baton Rouge, LA and New Orleans, LA.  Throughout our time we covered at least 1200 miles, now coming from Northern Ireland that is just insane to me! The size of the US continues to amaze, and at times overwhelm me.

This time opened our students eyes to the possibilities available to them, and broadened their outlook on college experience. Throughout our time away we visited University of Memphis, Tulane University, Louisiana State University and Dillard University. Not only did we visit colleges we also got time to hang out with the students in a more relaxed setting and even go on a Louisiana Safari! This time together has been the highlight of my YAV year so far. I feel that my relationships with both my colleagues and the students have been deepened. 

Our group at University of Memphis

Some of our students at LSU

Some of our girls and me at Tulane

Our Louisiana Safari!

My next road trip to South Carolina with Lee Catoe!


I arrived back at my house around 9am on December 22nd (having spend the previous night on a bus from New Orleans to Nashville), and I then had about one hour to get myself ready to head to South Carolina (another 500 mile trip) to spend Christmas with Lee (a fellow YAV) and his family.

A visit to the pig farm, where our
Christmas morning sausage came from!

Lee comes from a small town in South Carolina, but a large family! Most of our week there was spent with his family members, something I really enjoyed. They made me very welcome and I felt completely at home. Christmas away from home, was not feeling as sad all of a sudden!

Lee's church, Rocky Creek Presbyterian

Making a start on the yummy Christmas sweets!

Putting the Cadburys decorations on the tree, thanks mum!

I am now a proud Gamecocks fan!

On Christmas Eve we went to a candlelit service in Lee's church. It was great to be a part of this and this gave me an opportunity to meet lots of Lee's family!

After church we went to Lee's brother's home for dinner, which was wonderful! And the first of our present giving began. Lee's brother's family got me a Gamecocks shirt (the University of South Carolina football team), which I will wear with pride! I am into most sports, and American football is growing on me, so I now have a college team to support, alongside my adopted NFL team, the Titans. My loyalties can be bought with clothing, so if anyone wants to came my allegiances for basketball or baseball just send me some clothing!

Lee and I both commented that we felt like brother and sister when Lee's mom and dad gave us our stockings on Christmas Eve! We then went on to open our presents, from both South Carolina and Northern Ireland.

Catoe Christmas Dinner, totaling around 60 people! 

On Christmas morning we joined more of Lee's aunts and uncles for breakfast consisting of grits, fresh sausage, biscuits (not the Northern Irish kind!) and gravy! 

After church, we headed to Christmas dinner with a large gathering of Lee's family!

 

The best word I can use to describe my 2011 Christmas is blessed. For many people spending Christmas away from home can be painful, however for me it was a great experience. Yes, there were occasions when I missed home and our family time, but it did not spoil the time I spent in Jefferson, SC. Plus, mum has promised to cook Christmas dinner when I am home in April - I think this kept me going!

So, Christmas 2011 was different for me, however it was one that I am thankful for.